I am trying to learn to live for me. Not for others, but for myself. I often find that I put everyone before myself. I'm 63 days away from being 23 (whose counting?). I worry what my parents will think, what if my friends where I sub call me to sub and I can't, my sister will be so angry that I'm going and she isn't. Everything that runs through my mind just for a simple week in California with my aunts, uncle, and cousin. Regardless of California, I always do that to myself. I never can commit to things because I am worried someone may need me. What if I get called to babysit? What if we have a random family get together? What if I get called to sub? What if me going/doing/not doing upsets someone close to me?
I always worry about the other person, I never worry about me. I am the "yes" person. Frances always tells me I need to learn to say "no" otherwise I will become the person everyone comes to because they know I will never say "no." She has a point. I always say yes. I give myself extra work because I hate telling people no.
But today, when my mom looked at me and said, "Do your aunts know they have another niece too?" I was fed up. I could have cried right there at the kitchen table. I am almost twenty-three years old REALLY LADY? My sister is 21 in March and we still tiptoe around her feelings. It is not my fault that I am very close with my aunts. I will never, in my life, be able to take a vacation over Thanksgiving ever again because of the profession I have chosen for my life. Right now in my life I am able to take a week off for Thanksgiving, I am subbing, I make my own schedule.
Getting back on track though... really, why does it matter what my sister thinks? It's my life. If she wants to go to California she can save up her money and go too. (Plus, we're going in July/August 2012 anyways so what's the big F deal?)
I decided today I need to live my life for me. It's my life. I only have one. My family members only have one. I get to see my aunts once every two years, if I'm lucky. They are just as important in my life as my aunts and uncles who live 5 minutes away from me.
SO, I got online and bought my tickets. I am going to California for a week. I will enjoy myself. I will get to go to Disneyland on Thanksgiving and wear an "It's my birthday" pin (you have NO idea how EXCITING that is), I will get to spend my 23rd birthday with my aunts, uncle, and cousin (I've never gotten to spend any birthday with them), I might get to go to SAN FRANCISCO (never been there either).
I need to start living my life. I need to explore things that I won't get to explore when I get older. When I think on it, I will spend the majority of my life putting other people in front of me... aka children. That is if I ever get a boyfriend... get married... ya know how that goes. But really, when I think about it, my mom has been putting me in front of her own needs for 23 years. I need to start doing things for me without worry because one day, I won't be able to just... go.
Excuse my ramblings. I don't know what I am saying anymore. I'm just typing and I feel so better about everything.
I am going to California. I am letting things go. I am living my life.
And now I need to lose 20 pounds before I leave.... aka my gym routine begins tomorrow morning with some Turbo Fire and weights. I have incentive... Disneyland clothing. Did I really just admit that... Oh life!
LAST NOTE. I love Chobani.
and him...
I can't even begin to explain how much I adore him and how HAPPY I am that Glee is finally back. Every Tuesday of my life will be so fabulous now, no matter what!
xoxo
Yay, Nat! I am soooo happy for you! You totally deserve to have a fun, worry-free week in California. You're right, your profession of choice might not allow you this chance in the future. Now is the time to do it! By the way, I read an article that saying "No" can actually be healthy for you and help you lose weight! People who say "Yes" too much stress out about pleasing others and don't spend time thinking about how to keep themselves healthy. One thing I do that helps me say "No" is asking this question: "Will saying yes now help me lead the life I want later?" That might be hard to decide for work but something like "Yes, Mom, I will totally give Little Sister my ticket to Cali" will most definitely not help you shape your life the way you want. So that's just a thought from me. :) By the way, if your mom wants to know if your aunts realize they have another neice, shouldn't she ask your aunts, not you? And this might not be the place to ask (or get an answer), but what exactly happened earlier in life that has everyone trained to worry about your sister so much? Is she just too sensitive or whiny or what? I'm baffled at how your family worry that your actions have anything to do with her. I love ya kiddo and I think you deserve all the Disney fun you can have for your birthday. This is your life and it should be played out the way you want. Memories should not include regrets!
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